Anger be thy song
October 16th, 2007
If I ever sound angry when I talk about physics, it’s because I am.
Because I gave up a dream. Because I miss it like people miss amputated limbs. Because the lack of it is a thorn in my side, a sword through my heart. Because I’ve never forgiven myself for leaving. Because I’ve never forgiven myself for not letting go. Because I didn’t let go. Because I can’t forget. Because I loved it so much. Because I still love it just as much.
And also because I’m only one person. Because there is little hope here. Because I can’t leave this place. Because I could do other things. Because I’m human, and a coward, and in love, and I thought that it was better to become someone who could help others dream than pursue that dream myself.
That anger is there, simmering beneath the stories I write. It’s there in Mir’s fall and the unnamed astronaut’s letters, in the shadows beneath R’s eyes, in the sound of bodies colliding. It’s there in the equations with which I cover whole pages, talismans against my despair. It’s a white fury, a crimson rage, and it comes to me every night like some warped brother of Jacob’s angel, grappling and wrestling and twisting, until dawn breaks or I collapse out of exhaustion.
I will not forgive half-heartedness.
Entry Filed under: academics
2 Comments Add your own
1. bhex | October 16th, 2007 at 12:34 pm
back when i was studying, i knew some people who were really great at maths and would’ve made great engineers, but because of very real factors like family responsibilities, lack of funds, stress and health problems, they were unable to fulfill the demands of their chosen courses. after graduating or leaving school, many of them settled for jobs that are less worthy of their talent, and i know some of them regret having “given up” or settling. but i don’t blame them. moreover, i don’t think they “gave up,” exactly… at the time they left, there was no other option.
you may not have had control over the things that happened in the past, but i think it’s a sin to let the guilt eat away at you. you could still pursue physics as an interest even without academic credentials. but if it’s absolutely vital for you personally to get a degree, or if you feel happiest being challenged academically, you can always take it up again when circumstances are more favorable.
sure some good years have gone right by, but hey - you’re still young! there’s so much time. and it’s something to look forward to. you’ll be so much tougher and more passionate the next time around.
2. Mia | October 16th, 2007 at 3:05 pm
;______;
Rabuuuuuu~
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